Even loss is a new beginning

And so concludes our journey of Trying To Conceive for #2. There was so much I’d hoped to share and dared to dream for the past eight years.  Alas, another natural birth was just not meant to be.

2018 ended with three consecutive failed Frozen Embryo Transfers.  No more two week wait, rounds of egg collections and blood tests, four times daily self-injections on the go, letters from the doctor explaining to airport immigration why this cooler bag I’m carrying around is full of medicine and needles.. ..

2016 started with my third (confirmed) miscarriage. The last time, I didn’t tell a soul at the first positive test.  After confirming positive every week for three weeks over the holidays, the dreaded spotting came.  We never made it to the end of the first trimester.

I didn’t expect to feel so anguished at all these losses given my history of secondary infertility.  I thought I was mentally prepared but while my body once again reset, readjusted and stopped sending out “phantom” symptoms, my emotions were in a state of turmoil:

Frustration that this keeps happening to me despite loving kids, wanting a bigger family, and being ready and able to support them.

Guilt that I wanted more after having our (first) son, and the added attention needed with him after he was diagnosed with mild ADHD.

Anger at the specialist for not looking further into why I’ve had recurring pregnancy loss when we approached him years ago.

Resentment that time is not on my side….

After the grief dulled, and I could even broach the subject of babies again with the hubby, we decided to stop trying for our own.  Thankfully life was full between work and caregiving for the older folk as well as being more intentional with our rather hyper kiddo.

For years, we focused on adding a child to our family but after months of prayer, chats with fellow parents over meals, reading and reflecting on fostering and adoption, completing the mandatory MSF interviews and workshops, God renewed our hearts and minds.  It dawned on us— with all that we have been blessed with, “why not provide a child with a family instead?” So we are now embarking on a new journey.

Create in me a clean, clean heart

Create in me a work of art

Create in me a miracle

Something real, something beautiful

You’re not finished with me yet

You’re not finished with me yet

By Your power I can change, I can change

‘Cause You’re not finished with me yet

– Psalm 103 (adapted) 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s